Dear The '10 Years Ago' Me...

This just popped up on my mind.

I miss my childhood and all shits that happened that time.

Some people must have been thinking the same thing as above. As we grow up, we would like to do things that we already did in our childhood, like watching cartoons, playing games, having a midday nap after school, and more. But on the other side, we would also like to fix all of our mistakes in the past. Like, bullying our own classmate, arguing with parents, betraying our best friend, and more.

And to tell you, I am one of those people. In elementary, I loved hitting my own classmates, being arrogant when I got A+ in every tests and/or when I was in ‘The Top Ten’ student list, and gossiping. In junior high, I betrayed my own best friend. Then, I became a lazy and silent girl in class for three years straight. And, became a shyly arrogant girl after being said, “You’re so pretty, girl.” In senior high, my laziness was increased and still silent for three years straight. And the worst case is that I became an apathetic who loved keeping all revenges to others, whether it is my parents, my bitchy and two-faced schoolmates, or the shitty teachers who like suing the students to obey the school rules.

And thanks for all the mistakes I made in the past, I received a lot of karmas behind. I could not study abroad which I always had been dreaming, I could not grant any of my parents' wishes, friends left me behind, even my best friends chose to betray on me. I also felt that my teachers–especially in senior high–were very disappointed of me that I chose to remain silent in class and get B or C in every tests. Yes, I was a loser that time and I was okay with that.

Karma is a good shit to me. But God, please let me go back to fix all my mistakes.

Nevertheless, God would not let me. So, instead thinking about the ‘time machine’ that people always want, I decided to keep moving forward with my life. And if God let me, I would like to change my behaviours after graduated from high school and got accepted in national university. I would like to force myself to do things I had never done in the past. And guess what? I did it, guys. Now, I join organizations and become a committee for some events. I also try being active in class and getting close with the lecturers there, though not all of them because I have to choose the right time. I even try getting acquaintance with some new people in college. And praise the Lord, everyone in here are friendlier than I have thought. They make me comfortable, though there are a few of them that makes me uncomfortable. They also care for others, including me.

God, why do I feel so happy right now?

I do not know whether I must be happy or not with my living, but I am glad that I still breathing these days. And to be honest, I feel like that my behaviours have not fully changed, since I am still repeating the same mistakes over and over again. Yet, I try to cut down with my past behaviours.

Until today, God’s plan for me in the future is still hazy. And while I am writing this, sometimes I look back and question my own attitude that time. “How bitchy I was that time.”

Well, let’s forget the past!

And as the title says, this letter is for the ‘10 years ago’ me. I hope that she reads this and grants these stupid wishes of mine. And of course, for you readers who would like to change before someone said, “It is too late, my dear”.

And by the way, does the #10YearsChallenge still on trending? If it does, here is my photo from 2009 VS 2019. Enjoy~!

2009 VS 2019 (private documentary)

Illustration: Shane Tommo

-Shane Tommo
January 26, 2019; 06.00 PM (West Indonesia Time)