I Need Answers (Immediately)

My dear readers, do you know what one question that needs to be asked?

Why God creates humans and what are His goals?

I am sure that you can find those answers in a Bible. But to be honest, answers in a Bible are not enough for me. And more importantly, why did God create me? What are His goals for my future? Well, the answer is simple, “I do not know!” From far as I know, I am just an ordinary yet useless girl who is living in this cruel and competitive world.

First, I was born in a well-financed family, I grow up as a normal person, I can get educations until being a public university student, and I also can travel around the world. My life can be said as a perfect life. But, why He chose these paths for me? Simple, “I do not know!”

However, everything I have and live are not balanced with what I am actually doing in real life. When I was a high school student, my classmates labelled me as an introvert since I always stayed silence in class and never talked to anyone–except when it was a group project. But when I was with my close friends, I unexpectedly turned into a wild person–and of course, they got very confused of me. And because of that, I had been labelled as ‘freak’ by not only my classmates, the whole students in my school too. To be honest, I was quite happy and sad about it–but whatever. And when the lessons took place in class, as I already mentioned before, I always stayed silent in class since there is a proverb that said, “Silent is gold”. Yet, the teachers (one of them is a Sociology teacher and you may call him Mr B) always forced the students, including me, to stay active in class like asking high quality questions and/or exchange opinions. I mean, those are not my thing. I know that exchanging opinions is good, but in Indonesia, this thing can make a big fuss and I do not want to involve in it–yes, I want a peace world. Why He made me to feel like this? The answer is still the same, “I do not know!”

About study, I already mentioned in my last blog that my parent always force me to study very hard or I cannot get what I want. Since I am a lazy person who likes animes and stuff, my grades were dropped. Also, I enrolled in class that my parent hated–Social Science class–thanks to my stubborn characteristic (or maybe by fate?). Again, why He made me to feel like this? The answer never changes, “I do not know!”

Then about my first college life, I was really upset that time when God did not let me to get into the major I really wanted in my life–which is Communication Science major. But, I already reflected on it and try to enjoy the life in Japanese Literature major–to be honest, I really love it since I love learning Japanese since I was a high school student. But still, a problem made a return. I have never felt what it is like to get passed on JLPT (Japanese Language Proficiency Test)–which is a test to test someone’s knowledge and ability about Japanese language. I already take the level 4 (elementary) for the third time (this time) and if I do not get passed again, I will surely be very upset to God and questioning God’s goals for my future. “Why God does not grant my wish to get passed the test? I already try my best!” And to be honest, I get really jealous for those who can pass the test with just one try. “What were their secrets? I am so curious right now!”

And up until now, I am still cursing God for my life and harvesting some agitations for Him. I never get a chance to study abroad in one of my favourite destination–which is Japan/England–since my parent are unable to pay for the tuition and living cost. Because of that, I get really jealous with them who can easily study abroad there (with their parents’ money or scholarship) and directly mingle with the society there. I also get really jealous with them who can enjoy every conveniences which I want to do the same forever there.

Once again, the answer never changes, “I do not know!”

夢を追う君へ 

yume o ou kimi e
To you, my dream-chaser

思い出して、つまずいたなら
omoidashite, tsumazuita nara
If you stumble, just remember

いつだって物語の主人公は笑われる方だ
itsudatte monogatari no shujinkou wa warawareru hou da
The hero of the story is the one who gets laughed at

人を笑う方じゃない
hito o warau hou janai
Not the one who laughs at others

君ならきっと
Kimi nara kitto
I know you can do it

-サザンカ by SEKAI NO OWARI

Thanks to this song, my mind is clear right now and I have to make a plan continuously to keep pursuing my dreams. And you know what? Each person has their own way to pursue their own dreams. If you are lucky enough, God may help you to solve all the complicated puzzles of life through your dream. In spite of that, I still cannot answer the question, “Why did God create me and what are His goals for my future?” It is all in His hand and only He can answer the question. But, one thing that I know for sure is that I have to struggle to pursue my own dreams – of course with a help from God.

Oh, and one thing. There are two groups in this life, normal and disability, why God made that? My answer is still the same, “I do not know!”

Well, if you are clever and dare enough to answer those questions, just answer it in the comment section. I would likely to see you answers–from your own perspective.

And, if you are interested enough with the lyric I brought up into this writing, please kindly hear the song and check the full lyric.

-Shane Tommo

July 19, 2018; 09.17 PM (West Indonesia Sea Time)

Picture: Samsung Galaxy Note 3 Neo